His Mercy Reigns

I just love the beautiful lyrics in this song.

My God is strong enough to raise me from the grave.

Your love is strong enough to take away my shame.

Your mercy reigns.

My God is making new this wreckage of my heart.

Your hand is reaching down to pull me from the dark.

The reality of life is this: It's not about us. In our own power we fail.  

We live to show the power of God. He renews, He restores, He redeems. He SAVES.

 

Your mercy reigns. Your mercy covers me

Your grace sustains. Your grace is all I need.

Holding Nothing Back

I've been wrestling lately with the question "What are the plans God has for my life?"
It's so easy to get caught up in the hype of making plans and deciding what to do! It's also exciting to know that there is a master plan the Lord has for my life, and that he gives me the option to chose the very best.

The reality is that I am alive to live for God: This is my ultimate purpose.
But in order to live life sucessfully in the will of God, complete obedience is required. As I continue to strive to be in His perfect and pleasing will, I find It requires more commitment on my part.

Either sell out or be sold. Halfway commitments are weak.

Thankful

Here are the top 'life-realted' things I am thankful for today (off the top of my head)

1. I got to sleep in! Praise God! I needed the rest.
2. My best friend is pregnant!! And I don't have to keep it a secret anymore!
3. My research paper is DONE!!! =)
4. It's bed time!!!!
5. I had a phone date with a dear friend this week <3
6. Last day of classes is tomorrow before FINALS WEEK.


7. and last but not least, I'm thankful I'm single! So I have time to do ministry, focus on school, and blog in my spare time. =)

Friendship

*courtesy of Google*

I've always been a 'Once a friend-always a friend kind of gal.' I think a lot of it has to do with growing up in the same place my whole life. One of my parents moved around a lot as a child and wanted her kids to be able to grow up in the same place. =)

I learned an unexpected lesson- friendships are forever!!! Think about it. Elementary school, middle school, high school... I didn't have the SAME friends all the way though, but BASICALLY. My friends from elementary school were almost all in the same circle of friends my high school years (minus my *best friend* from elemenatary school, but we didn't stop being friends till well into middle school  when I had made a new *best friend* so it was a smooth transition).

--coming back from the rabbit trail--

I learned growing up to cherish the people in my life. Stay connected. To write letters over breaks so we wouldn't have so much to 'catch up on' when the summer was over. Friendship became about maintaining and strengthing relationships. And I got really good at staying connected with my friends, or at least I think so.

Recently I had to accept a very sad reality. Not everyone thinks the same way I do. Not everyone wants the friendship to last longer than a 'season of life.' I've had to learn to be ok with that. It still seems weird that there were people I shared life with for a couple years who don't respond back to my emails, notes, or encouraging messages.

So the hard lesson college has taught me is this: not all friendships last forever. I was just really blessed growing up with  like-minded friends who valued mantaining friendships as well. 

So instead of counting the loss, I'm counting my blessings! God has really blessed me to get get to know some people for a season. As that chapter of my life comes to a close and the new one unfolds infront of my very eyes I'm tucking the memories in my heart to treasure and moving forward.

Memories

I think talking about loss last week in class hit a soft spot in my heart I hadn't been aware of was there,



Last night I had a dream the youth group I mentor through went on a camping retreat. We were having a great day full of events, and at the end of the day we were handing out the retreat t-shirts by grade levels. After I went up with my youth girls to get our shirts, I headed back to where I had been standing.

There was my grandma. She smiled at me and started telling me how much she loves me and how proud she is of the young woman I am becoming. She gave me a hug, kissed my check, and told me how much she wished she could have stayed, but said she had to leave. I cried in my dream, and she told me that everything is going to be ok and to keep going in life and doing what i have been doing. Then a gentleman escorted her away.

My grandma passed away when I was in 8th grade. Last week in crisis intervention we talked about loss and were asked to talk about the person we were closest to that passed away. I have been blessed to not have a lot of loved ones pass away thus far in my life, and so that person would be my grandma. While I don't remember much of my younger years, I know I always thought my grandma was such a graceful person. She always made every situation ok, and would sit with us grandchildren and just spend time with us.

I've been thinking about her a lot today. Missing just sitting on the porch eating ice cream. Remembering the easter egg hunt she would have  in her yard. Her positive attitude. I never remember a time my grandma wasn't smiling, even when she was frusterated. She had so much love in her heart it overflowed. And even if she isn't here with me to tell me she is proud of who I am becoming, I know in my heart that if she was able to be here today, she would say what she said in my dream last night.

I don't know why the Lord allows some people to live 100 years and some people to only live in thier 50's. I can't say it makes sense to me, but I know that at the end of the day, God is God. He holds everything in His hands.

Defeat

I've almost come to expect it. Today I walked past a mirror and was reminded, once again, this is what defeat looks like/feels like. I can mask it for a short amount of time, but then it comes like a wave.
I feel the quickness in my chest.
the hardness in my heart
to self-hatred
defeat.

Each time stronger and stronger. The weight heavier and heavier as I battle the war within my mind. My bipolar concious wages war against itself: self-distruction. The more I fight, the more I lose, as each side marks it's territory and tugs at the war within me.  I sometimes wonder what it would feel like to be whole within, oneness within my mind. What it would be like to no longer have a constant war within my limbic system in my brain*.

but even when it hurts, I press on. Defeated, I press on. becaue even if I crawl emotionally cripped through the finish-line of life, i'm going to finish.

*The limbic system is the center for thoughts and emotions in the brain.

A moment Like This

Today I was driving home from work and listening to my "pop" genre on my iPod.

(I need to confess that secular pop is my weakness...)

My favorite song from when I was 15 started playing. It's amazing how quickly I flashed back to a freshman in high school. I remember being so completely boy crazy...I thought I could 'create' romance. I tried to 'create' the perfect moment with this song... it failed. Now that I am wiser and can look back on the bigger picture, I thank God that he didn't let me have what I wanted.

If it takes as long as Rebecca St. James, who just recently engaged, I'll be waiting. 'Creating' the perfect romantic moment always failed. As I watch my friends get married there is one thing I am sure of.

I want what God has for me: Nothing Less, Nothing More.