Dedication

Friday we took an amazing group of teenagers to a youth rally, and God showed up. He is faithful.

During worship I was trying to engage, but I was having a difficult time and really struggling to stay focused. I remember thinking "Lord, you're gonna have to do something in me because I simply don't have it together." And as I spoke a gentle voice wispered, "stop cheating on me."
I'm not going to hype it up and use explosive language that moves you and gives you goose-bumps. I'm just going to tell it like it is.

To many times, myself for sure included, we claim to be a follower of Christ yet we fail to surrender every fiber of our being, in which He made btw, to his submission. I have been calling myself a christian for a very long time, and as I look back at my thought life I wonder what right do I have to confess to have the God of all creation DWELLING in my being when I have these awful thoughts floating in my brain. When my actions may be good, but definately not set apart from the world.

As God and I continued to have a conversation during the service, no hype, no tears and flooding of emotions, I made the whole-hearted decision that it's time to live. It's time to claim the victory over strongholds, to throw off everything that hinders me and fully step into His presence and allow Him to radically consume my life.

I'm not sure about an outward change being visible, but I can feel it inwardly. I can sense it in my spirit, I can notice it in my thoughts... in the last 24 hours I have not been the same as before.
And now I PRESS ON toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus. Phil. 3:14


I know a lot of people use to term "redidicate" but let's examine what the defintion of dedicate is:
1. to set apart and consecrate to a deity or to a sacred purpose:
2. to devote wholly and earnestly, as to some person or purpose:
3. to set aside for or assign to a specific function, task, or purpose:
I'm not sure I can ever say I was wholly and earnestly devoted. I failed to let go of many areas of control in my life and because of that have wrestled with insecurities, frustrations, shame, guilt, and many other negative emotions as I struggled to conquer my problems on my own: The entire time He waited saying "Amanda, stop cheating on me. Stop using your own strength and depend on me. You are right, you are not strong enough.. I AM."

Dedication: Nothing More. Nothing Less.

I'm Sold Out.

life

Sometimes I feel like the blind leading the blind in youth ministry. As I continue to work on my hurts, habits, and hangups while leading teenagers I can't help but think about how little I have figured out. But one thing is for certain, He is the only one that can change hearts. He has changed my heart. As I continue to grow, all I can do is continue to point them to the only thing that is good in me, Jesus.

being me.

I can't WILL myself to be happy.. and lately, i don't want too. I spend a majority of the year walking around wiith a smile making sure everyone else is fine... but lately I just want to curl up in a ball underneath my covers and take a long-mental vacation! Being me is EXHAUSTING... maybe it's the weather that has me feeling blue, maybe it's just me.. who knows...

I think a majority of it has to do with my negative self-talk lately. Am I really believing into the lie I can just pass through life unnoticed.. aparently so. There are very few times in a week my attendance is necessary before someone notices I'm not around. Sadly, I've managed to figure out when these are and avoid the rest.

I must admit this sounds silly, but it works.
no need to go places if whether or not I go no one cares.

nice things

Today my coworkers and I had a conversation about sunglasses and handbags! Sounds fun right? At first it was! Who doesn't like to talk about your fave color of handbag!!! I'm secretively wanting a particular coach purse but it's $300 so that willl NEVER HAPPEN! (but just for fun, it looks like this!!)

 Then I learned that Coach is a cheap handbag.... PAUSE.

 Did you freak out like I just did? I need for you to understand, I get my purses and sunglasses from Dollar General, Walmart...etc. and these ladies are talking about $900 purses and $300 sunglasses. Don't get me wrong, I like to have nice things. I enjoy nice things, but the reality is my purse isn't going to last- the zippper will break someday! But as I started listening to these ladies, I realized I was getting sucked in! At first I thought they sounded rediculous, but as they continued on about particular items and how I needed a particular pair of sunglasses I started thinking "Maybe they are right. I do deserve to have nice things! What's $200 right? I should treat myself!" Once I got home, I reflected on the day. The more I thought about the sunglasses, the more rediculous it seemed to want them knowing I have a horrible problem with breaking things! This got me thinking about the VALUE of things.
What makes things have higher value than another? The importance we place on them. They are valuable because someone says they are.
 Expensive sunglasses are protected by a case, should be cleaned regularly... why? Because since they have value, they are treated like such. Dollar Store sunglasses can typically be found tossed inside a purse, often scratched or dented, why? Because they are easily replaced... their value isn't as great.

Question to consider: Do I treat people like they have VALUE?

Heart Check: What really matters in life?

lessons from Grandma

I love when my mom will interject a story about my grandma into our day to day conversation. Last night was one of those cases. My dad's mom passed away when I was in middle school, and it blesses my heart to learn the wisdom she had. I am greatful she shared it with others so they could pass it on.

"They gotta eat a little dirt."- Grandma Osborn

Yeap, my grandma was a firm believer we should all feed our kids dirt....

HAHA.. ok, I'll get serious... this is obveously NOT what grandma was trying to say.

In life we can easily get worked up about things and constantly fight to protect our children, or friends, from getting messy. You know who these parents are: they germ-x everything thier children touch, don't let em play in the mud....
Then there are the reverse parents who simply say 'whatever.' And thier kids come over with mud and grossness EVERYWHERE.
Grandma's philosophy was this, a middle ground. We can procted our kids from get dirty, but we need to recognize a little bit of dirt won't hurt. Life is about finding the healthy median between two extremes... just eating a LIL bit of dirt ;)



v.i.c.t.o.r.y?

I wanted to share with you a part of my devotional tonight, I hope it speaks to you as much as it spoke to me.
"You can not win if you refuse to fight. You are never going to win if you and I are just going to sit back and let the enemy come after our marriages- if you are married, our intergrity, our business, our homes, our relationships, our churches. If we're going to sit back, listen, he will come and take just one inch of ground after another until he's got everything that is precious to us. Will we sit back? Because if we don't learn to fight we are never going to win.We think somehow this is going to happen if we never engage in the battle. And it's not going to. We keep thinking somebody else is going to fight in our place. We keep hoping it's going to be a friend, or a pastor, or a leader that's going to battle for us.Let me tell you, there comes a time when it's just us.
A very wonderful greek word is used in Ephesians chapter 6 when it talks about our struggle not being against flesh and blood. The word that is used there is not a word for teams against one another, as much as we all need one another and want one another in the battle together, it's a word that means hand to hand combat.
There are times when as much as you want someone else to do the fighting for you, you've got to do it yourself. You've got to do it. There comes a place, i've become convinced of it through years and years of working particular with the theme of freedom over strongholds and bondage, that there comes a time when as much as everyone else has prayed for us we have to take up the battle ourselves. That nobody else can fight all the way, fight for you all the way to your victory. It just won't happen. No one can get you all the way there. People can pray that we'll become alert, that we will wake up to it, that we'll know where we've been had. People can pray all sorts of grace and strength of God upon us, but when it comes right down to it, if we're going to be victorious it will be because WE got up, and WE faught." -Beth Moore


It came from this website. The episode date was March 23,2011
http://lifetoday.org/video//?search=Beth+Moore

I had gotten to the point recently where I have completely stopped fighting for victory. Mainly because it seemed pointless to continue to wrestle with my flesh and strive for victory OVER AND OVER again... and failing at the hands of defeat.Tonight I was reminded of something very important: We CAN'T stop fighting. We CAN'T let the enemy win in our lives. Christ ALREADY has the VICTORY, we just need to CLAIM IT. So often we pray and we talk like we are PLEADING with God:

Lord, PLEASE. I can't take it anymore, I need you. I'll do whatever you want, just help me through what I am going through. SAVE me! Please Lord! I need you to rescue me again. I thought you rescued me last time but here i am again, same place. still stuck.

And it makes me wonder: Have I REALLY surrendered? Beth Moore was sharing before that passage about victory in God comes when realizing 1) who God is, 2) Who God says YOU are, and 3)walking in light of that truth. If I am who God says I am, chosen and set free, If I really believed this to be true, shouldn't it change how I respond to others? Shouldn't this change how I respond to myself? If I really, I mean REALLY, believed the Lord has set me free from my sinful nature shouldn't I be walking in that victory instead of cowarding in defeat and chosing to remain in defeat because it's EASIER?

Heart Check: Where am I at with my walk with the Lord?
Where are you at?











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What If?

Today I accomplished NOTHING as far as daily tasks are concerned, but I had a LOVELY time doing so! I think a day of relaxation is good for the soul (my soul especially).

Movie Day: What If?
Question I was left asking: What am I seeking in life?

The main character royal screwed up the plan God had for him by chosing to make his own decisions without consulting God. He chose to go seek recognition in a large company than to respond to the call God had placed on his life to preach.

How many times do we do the same? Ignore the plans God has and seek out our own path? I'm not saying we do it intentionally, although sometimes we do. Failing to seek God's guidance is the same as ignoring His plans. If you are working under someone to build a house do you fail to ask for directions on how they want the house to be layed? Or do you seek thier instructions before begining, during the process, and even for the fine details?



I was realizing today the many opportunties I had in life where I failed to seek God's will and simply moved in the spur of the moment based on how I felt. Reality is this, how we feel often fails us. How we percieve things will fail us. The only stability that exists is found in God alone. Hence why he doesn't want us building houses in sand...

*courtesy of google images*

My Emo Post.

Remember in Middle School/High School everyone would sign people's yearbooks with "You're cool, never change." How nieve we were! Of course they are going to change, we all change. Imagine a world where everyone is the same as they were in high school... SCARY! Who would run business, countries, manage budgets... CHAOS. Everyone has to change, because change is a part of maturing. I've been thinking a lot about change lately. A lot about how people grow up, or fail to grow up.
Especially in college, it's amazing how much change takes place. To think most people start out as a 17/18/19 year old fresh out of high school and graduate 4 years later with all of life's mysteries supposively figured out. I can tell you one thing for certain: College messes up your brain! It takes all your beliefs, values, knowledge and challenges them-forcefully changes them-molding your thoughts to what the professor's/university desires. It jades you. But I think what is more damaging to one's spirit is the jadedness you recieve when friends are there for a time and then gone. When the change involves the people you emotionally invested in and counted on as support, confided in, and trusted with your LIFE. What happened to 'A Friend is a Friend at all Times?' I can't say I've never changed... because I have. I change constantly. Sometimes for the better, sometimes I'm not sure...But do we have to change in the area of relationships so much that we NEVER talk again? Seriously. I just want you to send an email back... is that REALLY too hard? Seriously? t I know you've changed, I changed too. And while I know you don't care anymore, I unfortunately do....
I'm totally aware this sounds like an overemotional girl, but the reality is this is how I feel sometimes, and I accept the face that I sometimes take things too personal and blow things out of proportion, but honestly, I don't think I'm asking for much... a simple response would suffice. Even if it was "Hey, I'm still alive, thanks for caring enough to write me."
On a positive note, in hopes to not be a debbie-downer, there are many great things happening:
1) It's summertime.
2) My interview went very well today!!!
3) I got awesome grades this semester.
4) I have a 4 day weekend.
5) I'm almost able to breathe normally again!! silly allergies.

ALSO

(Yes, I'm aware this is my second post today.)

I was doing homework, blah. -- I hate how statistics say children who grew up in a household where a parent was an alcoholic will often marry alcoholics.

I REFUSE to be a statistic, especially this one.
(For those who didn't know, one of my parents were a heavy drinker before giving thier life to Christ).

This is why I won't date a guy who drinks, not even socially.

I chose to break the cycle.
Lord, please don't let me become a statistic, guard my future. <3

auto-pilot

Today I fought through the end of the semester blues.... not just today, yesterday too.
It's like someone pushed the auto-pilot button and my brain is coasting emotionally. blah....

I think auto-pilot is how I manage emotionally draining weeks. Particularly buyback week in the bookstore. I LOATHE buyback week. After doing a self-assessment online yesterday I think I understand myself better.

why do I loathe buyback you ask? Because it requires me to softly start-up confrontational discussion.
"I'm sorry, this book has water damage. Since you rented it you are going to have to purchase the text."

BAM! An atomic bomb just exploded and the person starts freaking out, after 5 billion excuses and complaintsand they leave angry.... and I'm emotionally deflated.

Thankfully my boss allowed me to do everything today EXCEPT register which allowed me some time to recooperate. It still stresses me out even when I can hear customers that are angry, but i'm working on it.

Aparently being able to softly start up possibly confrontational subjects is a trait that is good for marriage. Which i can totally see. So I'm working on it.

one day when my awesome husband needs to be softly confronted about an area, I will be able to be the wife he needs me to be. (husband tba. lol).