His Mercy Reigns

I just love the beautiful lyrics in this song.

My God is strong enough to raise me from the grave.

Your love is strong enough to take away my shame.

Your mercy reigns.

My God is making new this wreckage of my heart.

Your hand is reaching down to pull me from the dark.

The reality of life is this: It's not about us. In our own power we fail.  

We live to show the power of God. He renews, He restores, He redeems. He SAVES.

 

Your mercy reigns. Your mercy covers me

Your grace sustains. Your grace is all I need.

Holding Nothing Back

I've been wrestling lately with the question "What are the plans God has for my life?"
It's so easy to get caught up in the hype of making plans and deciding what to do! It's also exciting to know that there is a master plan the Lord has for my life, and that he gives me the option to chose the very best.

The reality is that I am alive to live for God: This is my ultimate purpose.
But in order to live life sucessfully in the will of God, complete obedience is required. As I continue to strive to be in His perfect and pleasing will, I find It requires more commitment on my part.

Either sell out or be sold. Halfway commitments are weak.

Thankful

Here are the top 'life-realted' things I am thankful for today (off the top of my head)

1. I got to sleep in! Praise God! I needed the rest.
2. My best friend is pregnant!! And I don't have to keep it a secret anymore!
3. My research paper is DONE!!! =)
4. It's bed time!!!!
5. I had a phone date with a dear friend this week <3
6. Last day of classes is tomorrow before FINALS WEEK.


7. and last but not least, I'm thankful I'm single! So I have time to do ministry, focus on school, and blog in my spare time. =)

Friendship

*courtesy of Google*

I've always been a 'Once a friend-always a friend kind of gal.' I think a lot of it has to do with growing up in the same place my whole life. One of my parents moved around a lot as a child and wanted her kids to be able to grow up in the same place. =)

I learned an unexpected lesson- friendships are forever!!! Think about it. Elementary school, middle school, high school... I didn't have the SAME friends all the way though, but BASICALLY. My friends from elementary school were almost all in the same circle of friends my high school years (minus my *best friend* from elemenatary school, but we didn't stop being friends till well into middle school  when I had made a new *best friend* so it was a smooth transition).

--coming back from the rabbit trail--

I learned growing up to cherish the people in my life. Stay connected. To write letters over breaks so we wouldn't have so much to 'catch up on' when the summer was over. Friendship became about maintaining and strengthing relationships. And I got really good at staying connected with my friends, or at least I think so.

Recently I had to accept a very sad reality. Not everyone thinks the same way I do. Not everyone wants the friendship to last longer than a 'season of life.' I've had to learn to be ok with that. It still seems weird that there were people I shared life with for a couple years who don't respond back to my emails, notes, or encouraging messages.

So the hard lesson college has taught me is this: not all friendships last forever. I was just really blessed growing up with  like-minded friends who valued mantaining friendships as well. 

So instead of counting the loss, I'm counting my blessings! God has really blessed me to get get to know some people for a season. As that chapter of my life comes to a close and the new one unfolds infront of my very eyes I'm tucking the memories in my heart to treasure and moving forward.

Memories

I think talking about loss last week in class hit a soft spot in my heart I hadn't been aware of was there,



Last night I had a dream the youth group I mentor through went on a camping retreat. We were having a great day full of events, and at the end of the day we were handing out the retreat t-shirts by grade levels. After I went up with my youth girls to get our shirts, I headed back to where I had been standing.

There was my grandma. She smiled at me and started telling me how much she loves me and how proud she is of the young woman I am becoming. She gave me a hug, kissed my check, and told me how much she wished she could have stayed, but said she had to leave. I cried in my dream, and she told me that everything is going to be ok and to keep going in life and doing what i have been doing. Then a gentleman escorted her away.

My grandma passed away when I was in 8th grade. Last week in crisis intervention we talked about loss and were asked to talk about the person we were closest to that passed away. I have been blessed to not have a lot of loved ones pass away thus far in my life, and so that person would be my grandma. While I don't remember much of my younger years, I know I always thought my grandma was such a graceful person. She always made every situation ok, and would sit with us grandchildren and just spend time with us.

I've been thinking about her a lot today. Missing just sitting on the porch eating ice cream. Remembering the easter egg hunt she would have  in her yard. Her positive attitude. I never remember a time my grandma wasn't smiling, even when she was frusterated. She had so much love in her heart it overflowed. And even if she isn't here with me to tell me she is proud of who I am becoming, I know in my heart that if she was able to be here today, she would say what she said in my dream last night.

I don't know why the Lord allows some people to live 100 years and some people to only live in thier 50's. I can't say it makes sense to me, but I know that at the end of the day, God is God. He holds everything in His hands.

Defeat

I've almost come to expect it. Today I walked past a mirror and was reminded, once again, this is what defeat looks like/feels like. I can mask it for a short amount of time, but then it comes like a wave.
I feel the quickness in my chest.
the hardness in my heart
to self-hatred
defeat.

Each time stronger and stronger. The weight heavier and heavier as I battle the war within my mind. My bipolar concious wages war against itself: self-distruction. The more I fight, the more I lose, as each side marks it's territory and tugs at the war within me.  I sometimes wonder what it would feel like to be whole within, oneness within my mind. What it would be like to no longer have a constant war within my limbic system in my brain*.

but even when it hurts, I press on. Defeated, I press on. becaue even if I crawl emotionally cripped through the finish-line of life, i'm going to finish.

*The limbic system is the center for thoughts and emotions in the brain.

A moment Like This

Today I was driving home from work and listening to my "pop" genre on my iPod.

(I need to confess that secular pop is my weakness...)

My favorite song from when I was 15 started playing. It's amazing how quickly I flashed back to a freshman in high school. I remember being so completely boy crazy...I thought I could 'create' romance. I tried to 'create' the perfect moment with this song... it failed. Now that I am wiser and can look back on the bigger picture, I thank God that he didn't let me have what I wanted.

If it takes as long as Rebecca St. James, who just recently engaged, I'll be waiting. 'Creating' the perfect romantic moment always failed. As I watch my friends get married there is one thing I am sure of.

I want what God has for me: Nothing Less, Nothing More.

A day in the life

Today I went to a juvenile correction facility and got to know some absolutely awesome young men. As they shared thier stories, it broke my heart. The majority of these young men grew up without their father, in an enviorment where the majority of the people they know use drugs or abuse alcohol.
A specific young gentleman tugged my heart in a way it's hard to explain. If I was able too, I would have taken him home. After talking with him for over a half hour about Jesus, I asked the young man if he had anything I could pray for him about. He asked me if I could pray he has a family. This young man grew up in foster care, bounced from family to family. His parents are in prison for drugs and he doesn't really know what it's like to be in a family. Needless to say, I started tearing up. No words can explain the compassion that flooded my heart for this young man. I expalined to him that I was there today because I love him and the Lord loves him. I wish I could explain to you what an incredible day I had in the facility getting to know some young men, praying for them, and reminding them the only way to heaven is through Jesus Christ.

Pray for this young man. He is searching out who God is. He was telling me about what he's been reading in the bible and trying to figure out if it's all true. We talked about some of the questions he has been wrestling with. He wasn't ready to commit his life to Jesus Christ. When I asked him what was stopping him from making a commitment he explained that when he makes the decision, he wants to be fully commited. He wants to be completely sold out, and right now he doesn't think he can do that. I tried explaining to him that if he is waiting to be perfect it's never going to happen. In our own strength, we can't do it. We're not good enough. It's only though the Lord we are able to change our lives.

Ode to Tea

Today I'm going to pay tribute to my favorite beverage... TEA.

Did you know tea has antioxidants.

There are many types of teas:

Tea is traditionally classified based on the techniques with which it is produced and processed.[19]

White tea: Wilted and unoxidized

Yellow tea: Unwilted and unoxidized, but allowed to yellow

Green tea: Unwilted and unoxidized

Oolong: Wilted, bruised, and partially oxidized

Black tea: Wilted, sometimes crushed, and fully oxidized

Post-fermented tea: Green tea that has been allowed to ferment/compost

Lastly, here are my three favorite teas, in no particular order <3

 

Trusting Strangers

On wednesday my psychology professor announces that we are doing a class experiment.

Guided Walk: you draw a number, find your partner, and grab a blindfold. One person is blindfolded while their partner guides them around campus for 15 minutes. The would hold onto your arm and give you signals to let you know what was going on. Oh, did I say no talking--- at all.

There are many things I did NOT like about this exercise:

1. I would be blindfold.
2. my partner was a guy whom I did not know.
3. There are stairs involved.
4. My class is during one of the busiest times on campus, lunch time.

I was NOT excited. I really didn't want my parnter to walk me through the cafeteria... but he did.
As I was blindfold, being lead through a crowded cafeteria, and thinking of how dumb and embarrased I felt, God started speaking.

It's like he said "really amanda?" It was a total pride thing, and as soon as he started speaking, I knew I was being rediculous.

As I was being guided through the cafe this is what I learned:
Walk by faith, not by sight. In the same way that I had to trust my partner, is the same way I needed to trust the Lord. He can see the bigger picture, I can not. My partner knew how to best guide me around potential obsticles to a goal he could see. I had to trust that he would guide me correctly, this is the same as the faith I have to place in God. Faith is believing that God is who he says he is, and he will do what he says he will do. We need to trust that God will guide us sucessfully through life.

Half way through the guided walk I got confident and started taking larger strides. In the same way, as we trust God and learn to pay attention to his guidance, we are able to successfully move forward without worry/anxiety. As I listened to the guide, it was easier to trust them. In the same way, the more we learn to trust God, the easier it is to follow where he leads as we trust in HIm.

Will you stay in Midian?

An older woman and I were talking today and she was sharing with me about her recent troubles. She was explaining that her son was like Moses.... just kind of wandering in a desert. As I listened to her explain her son, all I could think of was God did not give up on Moses.

The story of Moses can be reduced to a short little story. "Baby boy get's rescued from death, He kills an Egyptian, He flees Egypt. He spends 40 years in the desert. God calls him back and he leads the entire Hebrew nation out of Egyptian slavery."

While it's all any incredibly amazing miracle, let's focus on one aspect, Moses spent 40 years in the desert... well in Midian. Midian wasn't a short jog across the border. He FLED. 

The part of the story that I haven't been able to get out of my head is that God met Moses where he was. Moses fled Egypt not because he felt like God was telling him to go, but because he feared for his life. God had a definate plan for Moses' life, to lead God's people out of Egypt. He was terrified because he had made a huge mistake. Moses killed a man who he felt was misteating someone and then had to live with the guilt of his actions.

But God was not done with Moses. Despite the 'failure' of Moses, God was still speaking. In the desert, God will still speaking. While leading the people out of Egypt, God is still speaking.

I know sometimes it's easy to run from our mistakes, we all do it. And it's easy to stay in the desert, hiding. I think it's important to note God didn't let Moses stay in the desert, he called him to complete the plans and purpose He has had for Moses' life from the very begining

. 

Even through our insecurities, even dispite our failures, even when we are running from the plan God has for us, God is still speaking. He still has a master plan that we are still asked to partake in. God gave Moses a choice, Lead my people. But the decision to lead was Moses'. Moses could have said No. He could have stayed in the Land of Midian where he had built a new life.

Are you in the desert running? Can you still hear the voice of the Lord directing you?

It's hard to make the choice to stop hiding in the desert, but with help from the Lord, I know you can do it.

And i'm here for you, always. 

<3 Amanda

uploading...

As my homework is working on being submitted, I decided it would be a great moment to share with you my top 5 frustrations of online homework:
1) UPLOADING always seems to take as least 20 minutes, if you are lucky.
2) Errors. Blackboard (Purdue's program of Moodle) likes to wait till you are uploading document 20/20 that has to get grouped together before it proudly announces 'error' forcing you to resend all your information, yet again.
3) the teacher doesn't grade it.
Let's face it, If I was the teacher, I wouldn't too.. I can't even seem to complete any of the last three sections every section in word processing, yet I still recieve 10/10. I have concluded my teacher does not care.
4) Since attendence in the classroom is not manditory, I submit my homework the night before and sleep in. It's true, online homework allows students to be lazy and skip class as much as they want.
5) pointless assignments. Because the teacher does not care, nor grade, every assignment feels completely pointless. What is the meaning of wasting my time doing hours upon hours of time-consuming work for it to be published and never viewed by the prof.

I conclude my random thoughts with this:
I can not wait to graduate. My brain is worn out from all this nonsense.

-Amanda
p.s. I promise to not be so negative next post... <3

These are a few of my favorite things....

*all photos courtesy of Google.

I am SOOO VERY excited about my upcoming trip to MN.

I have to be honest though, I am REALLY nervous! It's been since September 2009... that's a LONG TIME!! But I'm trusting the Lord that it will be an awesome time of catching up with people I love! It will be surreal to be on campus again. It sometimes feels like my first two years of college was an incrediblely amazing dream I had. But then I look at pictures and have phone dates that remind me the people I know are real.

I bet I don't even make sense right now. I think it's time for bed <3

On my mind..

I'm sure it doesn't come as to big of a suprise... I have babies on the brain!

How precious are these little gifts of life that bless our world every single day! Before you freak out I just want to clarify that I am NOT pregnant, and it is physically impossible to be so.

I'm really enjoying this stage of life I am in - being able to watch my newly married/ married for awhile  friends become pregnant and have little ones.

About two months ago, My mentor and her husband brought a beautiful baby girl into the world, and what a joy Lily is to be around! I am so very blessed that Steph and Jeff allow me to be apart of their lives! Lily was is the youngest, smallest baby I have ever held! Since then her little toes, fingers, and body have been growing bigger each day! She's smiling, laughing, and continues to learn at a super quick rate. Last week I stopped by and she recognized my voice! It was such a precious moment! I thought about it all week "she knows me!" I wish I could describe for you how that touches my heart <3

So here I am, 1:00 am smiling with pure joy while thinking about the little blessings God gives the world! I'm wondering what my friend's babies are going to be like when they grow up, what God-given talents he has placed in them, and what plans God has in store for them. I am so very honored to be able to pray for these precious children and their mommy's and daddy's!

I have so much joy knowing that I am able to bless others by supporting them, praying for them, and encouraging them in this new stage of their life, parenthood.

This post is dedicated to:

*Jeff and Steph

*Sean and Francine

*Tim and Sarah

and all the other parents in the world!