I've almost come to expect it. Today I walked past a mirror and was reminded, once again, this is what defeat looks like/feels like. I can mask it for a short amount of time, but then it comes like a wave.
I feel the quickness in my chest.
the hardness in my heart
to self-hatred
defeat.
Each time stronger and stronger. The weight heavier and heavier as I battle the war within my mind. My bipolar concious wages war against itself: self-distruction. The more I fight, the more I lose, as each side marks it's territory and tugs at the war within me. I sometimes wonder what it would feel like to be whole within, oneness within my mind. What it would be like to no longer have a constant war within my limbic system in my brain*.
but even when it hurts, I press on. Defeated, I press on. becaue even if I crawl emotionally cripped through the finish-line of life, i'm going to finish.
*The limbic system is the center for thoughts and emotions in the brain.
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